House of Lords debates that you might have missed: in which confusion reigns...

Parliament can be a very dry place indeed, lacking in humour or goodwill. However, the House of Lords isn't like the 'Other Place'. Sometimes, humour escapes into the chamber, as shown by this excerpt from the third day of the debate on the Queen's Speech on Monday...

Lord Dubs (Lab): Before I get to the heart of what I want to say, I hope that I may be permitted to refer to a matter which is obliquely relevant to what we are about to discuss today. Five years ago the noble Lord, Lord Dobbs, joined the House. That was a welcome addition, even if it meant that there was an additional vote on the Conservative side. However, I was rather slow in realising that there were other aspects of significance to this, and the alarm bells started to ring rather slowly.

One day, soon after the noble Lord arrived in the House, I got a bill from the restaurant here. It was a pretty good meal but one which I had not eaten. Indeed, his bank manager would have been happier about the size of the bill than mine would have been. Certainly, given the success of the various editions of House of Cards, on which I congratulate him, I think that he is better able to stand those bills than I am.

But then other things began to happen. I got a phone message to call No. 10 urgently. This occasionally happened under Labour, so I called and rather foolishly gave myself away rather than listen to what was on offer. I hope that the time it took that message to then get to the noble Lord did not in any way jeopardise his career or perhaps lose him a ministerial post. Certainly, that made me think again about what was going on.

Then letters came my way, a room which I had not reserved was booked in my name, and I had letters from Members of this House congratulating me on the way I had handled the EU referendum Bill. I felt that I just could not take credit for that. I think that Labour Party policy is now changing but I did not like the Bill at the time and, certainly, to be given credit for it by several Members of this House was more than I felt I could keep quiet about.

In pondering this, I then came across a little booklet about confusable Peers. It is not for general circulation among Members of this House but is a booklet which the staff, quite properly, use to help them. I do not wish what I have said in any way to be seen as a criticism of the staff of this House. When I was in the Commons, I once was confused with Frank Dobson. Those noble Lords who know him will know that he and I do not look particularly alike. When that was mentioned in the House, we got letters of apology from senior officials. I do not want any apology because this is not about that; I just want to clarify a misunderstanding.

The booklet I got hold of is not about confusing Peers or confused Peers, which of course would be a much thicker volume, but about confusable Peers. It shows pairs, trios or quartets of Peers who can be confused with each other and the noble Lord, Lord Dobbs, and I are included. This interesting little booklet enables staff to differentiate us.

Lord Dobbs (Con):I find the confusion remarkable. After all, my noble near-kinsman is a craggy faced, Czech-born socialist and, quite clearly, I am not. Perhaps I may come to his rescue and settle his qualms. I have taken advice from the Garter Principal King of Arms who says that he can think of only one way of us resolving this confusion; namely, that one of us should become an Earl. I humbly submit myself to my fate.

Lord Dubs: I would rather he took that honour than me. I would have a job explaining that one away but I am grateful to the noble Lord.

Lord Foulkes of Cumnock (Lab): My noble friend’s problems are nothing compared with mine. I keep getting invited to meetings of Conservative lawyers for reasons I cannot understand, but they will probably become clear when we come to the reply to this debate.

Lord Ashdown of Norton-sub-Hamdon (LD): I wonder whether the noble Lord finds it as confusing as my case: I keep being asked for very large sums of money on the grounds that I am Lord Ashcroft.

Lord Dubs: I hope that that little interlude has helped many of us to decide where we are and who we are. I would be grateful to the House if it would allow me to intrude on the time a little...

Politicians: the most obvious reason for plain packaging for cigarettes

I have to admit that I am sceptical about the idea that plain packaging will do much to reduce smoking. Given that my father is in advertising, he may well disagree with me, but as a non-smoker, I am slightly bemused by the idea that pretty packaging lulls otherwise sensible people into believing that cigarettes are anything other than bad for them.

Frankly, if big signs on the packets that say things like, "Smoking Kills!" don't stop people, taking the colour of the packets is hardly likely to have a significant impact. However, I bow to the knowledge of those who have done the research on this and, as long as they don't ban cigars - I like the smell of a good cigar - I'm fairly relaxed about it. It isn't, after all, impinging on people's right to smoke.

But I had begun to assume that cigarette packets were already, at least on the back, plain. After all, Nigel Farage must be writing his party's policies somewhere...

A different take on the Shipping Forecast...

Ah yes, the Shipping Forecast, a boon to mariners of all sorts, and a curiously beguiling element of the Test Match Special experience on Radio 4 - listeners on long wave have the commentary interrupted for it occasionally.

Ros and I have, as part of our routine, the occasional dinner at the Pier Hotel, Harwich - Ros has business in the town in her role as a member of the Board of the Harwich Haven Authority. One evening, I had retired to use the facilities and, whilst in there, was surprised to hear a voice, even though there was nobody in there.

Listening more closely, it appeared to be the Shipping Forecast, which seemed appropriate, given that Harwich is very much a naval town. But then I listened more closely...

And so, courtesy of Brian Perkins, here is Les Barker's version of "The Shipping Forecast", from a 4-CD set entitled "Guide Cats for the Blind". Take it away, Brian...

My first speech as Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport...

I know that the vacancy has already been filled, but what the hell...

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for joining me here today.

Firstly, it is the convention to thank my predecessor for their hard work and to note their achievements in office but, given the circumstances of her passing, you will forgive me if I forego this opportunity.

Second, can I say how pleased I am to have this job. Naturally, you wouldn't expect me to say anything else but I am genuinely pleased to be at DCMS, as it gives me the opportunity to support and promote so many activities that bring joy to our busy lives.

So, what can you expect? Well, as the journalists amongst you will be preparing to ask me about my cultural influences for dissection by your readers, here's a sample of what I like.

On my iPhone, you'll find a couple of Franz Ferdinand albums, a lot of madrigals and quite a lot of keyboard and chamber music. I like football and cricket - I follow Luton Town, Needham Market, my local team, and was a Sussex member for a few years until getting to Hove became too difficult. I 'collect' UNESCO World Heritage Sites, and have travelled as widely as time and money have permitted. So, it will be compulsory madrigal singing in historic sporting arenas from here on in.

A quarter of a century ago, I served on a committee whose aim was to come up with a liberal culture policy for Europe. It wasn't a great success, as we got rather bogged down with the definition of the word 'culture', and it reminds me that, in separating out media and sport from culture, we risk downgrading them. So, each part of my portfolio is important to me, and I rely on you to tell me if I am devoting insufficient time to any aspect.

Some of my predecessors have taken a more free market approach towards the portfolio, assuming that quality will attract funding. And, to some extent, that must be true. Successful sports teams attract bigger crowds, more sponsorship etc, whilst popular films, television and music are not short of champions.

However, that does leave an awful lot of culture, in its widest sense, which struggles for recognition and support. I see our role at DCMS as to encourage emerging performers, athletes and other creators, providing opportunities for the public to participate in and experience the wealth of our cultural life and ensuring that we have as diverse a media as we can.

Naturally, this does require money, and there apparently isn't any, a point that Danny Alexander has made to me whilst welcoming me into the Cabinet. So, I'm evidently not going to be Lord Bountiful.

Accordingly, I'm going to have to ensure that we get as much as we can out of a budget which is likely to come under further pressure over the years ahead. That means working across government, with Vince Cable at BIS to make sure that the creative industries aren't overlooked by our trade envoys and when trade missions are sent off. It means providing as much funding as we can for tourism promotion, reaching out to new markets, such as India and China, with their emerging middle classes eager to travel. It also means considering whether tax breaks might help us to retain and grow sectors such as video games. I intend to encourage my civil servants to find imaginative ways of supporting our arts.

That's a flavour of my approach to the job, but now I'd like to throw the floor open to questions...

Today in the Lords: is Baroness Sharples the Black Widow?

In today's brief discussion on courtesy titles and equality in the Lords, I was intrigued by the intervention of Conservative backbencher, Baroness Sharples, who noted;

My Lords, is my noble friend aware that I have actually killed off three husbands so perhaps the question does not arise for me? Are there not much more important matters that the Government should be concerned with?

She may well be right, although it does lead one to wonder exactly what happened to her husbands. That bag looks pretty vicious...

A Liberal Democrat Blogger Fantasy Cabinet

Alright, now for a little fun...

• Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service - Millennium Elephant
• Leader of the House of Commons and Lord Privy Seal - me (someone will get the joke)
• Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, First Secretary and Lord President of the Council - Mark Thompson
• Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alex Foster
• Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs - Cicero
• Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor - Judge James Graham
• Secretary of State for the Home Department - Lynne Featherstone
• Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs - Nich Starling
• Secretary of State for International Development - Lord Avebury
• Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government - Fraser MacPherson
• Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families - Costigan Quist
• Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change - Alix Mortimer
• Secretary of State for Health - Mary Reid
• Secretary of State for Northern Ireland - Stephen Glenn
• Leader of the House of Lords and Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster - Baroness Rigg of Brighouse
• Minister for the Cabinet Office, and for the Olympics and Paymaster General - Alex Wilcock
• Secretary of State for Scotland - Caron Lindsay
• Secretary of State for Work and Pensions - Steve Webb
• Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Charlotte Gore
• Secretary of State for Wales - Peter Black
• Secretary of State for Defence - Menzies Campbell
• Secretary of State for Transport - Jonathan Wallace
• Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport - Sara Bedford

I'd also need a few people to fill other key roles;

• Attorney General - Antony Hook
• Chief Whip - Mat Bowles
• Deputy Chief Whip (Treasurer of HM Household) - Paul Walter
• Chief Whip (House of Lords) - Lord Bonkers
• Captain of the Queen's Bodyguard of the Yeoman of the Guard (Deputy Chief Whip, House of Lords) - Lord Calder of Market Harborough

A bureaucrat's Fantasy Cabinet

Having been tagged by Stephen Tall, and unaccustomed to opining in public as I am, this has proved somewhat difficult. However, here goes;

• Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service - William Ewart Gladstone
• Leader of the House of Commons and Lord Privy Seal - Lord Steel of Aikwood
• Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, First Secretary and Lord President of the Council - David Lloyd George
• Chancellor of the Exchequer - Vince Cable
• Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs - Lord Russell Johnston
• Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor - Lord Thomas of Gresford
• Secretary of State for the Home Department - H H Asquith
• Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs - Lord Redesdale
• Secretary of State for International Development - Sarah Teather
• Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government - Lynne Featherstone
• Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families - Baroness Seear
• Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change - Lord Ezra
• Secretary of State for Health - Baroness Neuberger
• Secretary of State for Northern Ireland - Lord Alderdice
• Leader of the House of Lords and Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster - Baroness Scott of Needham Market
• Minister for the Cabinet Office, and for the Olympics and Paymaster General - Menzies Campbell
• Secretary of State for Scotland - Jo Grimond
• Secretary of State for Work and Pensions - Steve Webb
• Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Susan Kramer
• Secretary of State for Wales - Clement Davies
• Secretary of State for Defence - John Pardoe
• Secretary of State for Transport - Lord Bradshaw
• Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport - Bob Russell

I'd also need a few people to fill other key roles;

• Attorney General - Lord Hooson
• Chief Whip - David Heath
• Deputy Chief Whip (Treasurer of HM Household) - Jenny Willott
• Chief Whip (House of Lords) - Lord Addington
• Captain of the Queen's Bodyguard of the Yeoman of the Guard (Deputy Chief Whip, House of Lords) - Earl Russell

Not enough women, although my next effort might be a little better...

Cybermen scary? But they drink beer...

With all of the excitement over Dr Who, I note the adverts for a helmet that makes your voice sound like a cyberman.

Now I have a great deal of respect for Brian Orrell (pictured, right), but I'm not sure that we all want to sound like him*, do we?

* Brian played a Cyber Lieutenant in one series of Dr Who, and a Cyberman in another...

Would it surprise you to hear that...

... the Museum of American Constitutional Government is closed due to reconstruction work. And who said that Americans have no sense of irony?

The minister, her husband and some loose change

It just gets better and better here in South London... although (I forget), she does live in North London, doesn't she...

My thanks go to the Sunday Times for the latest on the David Mills bribery investigation. You can just imagine the conversation over the breakfast table chez Jowell...

"Tessa, honey, can you pass the butter?"

"Of course, David, is there anything else I can get you?"

"Well, actually, I've got something that requires your signature here. Would you be a love and deal with it now?"

"I do have Cabinet this morning, will it take long?"

"No, just a signature should take care of it..."

Tessa walks around the table, picks up a fountain pen and starts to sign the proffered form.

"What's this for anyway?"

"I need to borrow £350,000 and I'm putting up our home as security."

"But David, what do we need that much money for?"

"Tessa, don't worry your pretty little head about it, I'll explain everything when you've got more time..."

Unlikely, isn't it? So, if Peter Mandelson has set the benchmark for dodgy mortgages, what will the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport do? Perhaps resign to spend more time with her constituents? Oh, I forget, she doesn't live anywhere near here, does she...