“You don’t know how lucky you boys are...”

So, it’s my first full day in Moldova, and I’ve spent the day somewhere unusual. It’s easier to tell the story than to explain, so I’ll hope that all will become clear as I go along...

Body clocks are odd things, and with Moldova being two hours ahead, I expected a struggle getting up at a reasonable hour, but I came too at about 6.30, leaving time for a leisurely breakfast before I took a brisk stroll to the Central Bus Station. There seemed to be plenty of people willing to rip me off, but I eventually found the ticket office and bought my ticket on the 10.00 departure for the princely sum of 36.50 Lei (about £1.50).

My destination? Tiraspol, south-east of the capital, but also the capital of the self-proclaimed Republic of Transnistria, which covers broadly the territory of Moldova east of the Dnieper, plus Bendery on the west bank. And yes, they have a flag, a currency and, most important, border control. It is a bit of a conceit, and I guess that they tacitly acknowledge that by not stamping your passport - a bit like the Turkish Republic of North Cyprus. Instead, just like the TRNC, you get an official looking piece of paper which you must keep.

My twenty seat minibus was full to capacity, and we set off pretty much on time, through the cluttered streets of downtown Chisinau, towards the main highway south. This being Moldova, the poorest country in Europe, it’s not in great shape, although they do try. What that means is that we slalomed our way south, past the airport and out into the countryside.

After an hour or so, things got a bit more serious. There were soldiers around, and barriers, and a definite sense that hanging around wasn’t advised. And then, different soldiers, in different uniforms. We stopped for passport checks, at which point it became clear that I wasn’t the only foreigner on the bus. But there were no dramas, and we all piled back on the bus and headed into Transnistria.

The bus station is conveniently located next to the railway station in Tiraspol, giving me the opportunity to have a look around. There aren’t many trains, as Transnistria doesn’t have a lot of railway, but trains between Chisinau and Odessa/Kiev currently have to run that way, and the European Union has kept up the general pretence that everything is normal, funding a new three days a week train service between Chisinau and Odessa, which stops at Bendery and Tiraspol en route.

So, I was on Transnistria soil, and Moldovan soil at the same time, and the adventure was underway...

I've had a comment, and I don't know what to do with it...

I moderate all comments on this blog. Not because I intend censor anyone particularly, but because I have legal responsibility for it, and like to know what is going up on it. I also have standards, as outlined in the sidebar. One thing that I don't encourage as comments irrelevant to the subject at hand - they're confusing, and nobody really reads them.

Yesterday, I got this;

Procedure By Which conservatives Could Control  Parliament 

If UKIP is Lucky, UKIP could get, perhaps, get five to ten seats in Parliament. Do not forget, the public still regards UKIP as a one issue party. To gain control of Parliament UKIP and (and friends) should form a new conservative party with a platform that is close to that of the existing Conservative party, omitting, of course, policies that are objectionable to conservatives. The purpose would be to make a bed that would be easy for conservatives to slide into, including the eighty percent of the Conservatives who left Conservative associations. UKIP and the conservatives should then form a political association in each parliamentary district. UKIP could merge with the new party, thus getting rid of the one issue problem.  

Every one who would have worked to form the new, conservative, party should be prevented from joining the new party for a period of time to prevent the impression that UKIP controls it. 

The two or three conservative parties should hold a primary election to determine who runs as the Parliamentary candidate, with the losers to help the winner. The cost of forming new associations can be raised by local contributors. It is suggested that the new conservative associations and the political party be controlled by the lowest level of conservatives, such as teachers, small businessmen, solicitors, professionals etc. If the above procedure can not be completed  in  time  to get candidates elected to Parliament, the new party must  wait  until after the  election  and  hold  a  petition demanding that the elected MP resign. Note: an MP represents every person in his district, not just members and supporters of his party. When the petition reaches fifty percent of those who voted in the prior election, the conservatives will be morally justified in demanding their MP"s resignation. Then the new party could run their candidates  in  the  following by elections.

To select a candidate, a local  association should  advertise  for applicants or the position of candidate for  Parliament, then  select   the   best  applicant  by using rigorous tests, including, most importantly, psychological evaluation. psychological evaluation is an absolute necessity as the psychological evaluation is the only way to tell who is honest and who is a con-artist; members of the public cannot. Testing could be required of the association officers, committee members and delegates, etc. 

The platform, selected by new party associations, should be some what  vague in order to facilitate integration the platforms of the new associations into one platform. It is suggested that self forming cliques of those who are honest and trust worthy be formed; then form self forming cliques of those who have political skills and capabilities, within the first described clique.

The corruption in Ukip is a cause for concern. Information about the corruption may bee seen on the following websites:

ukip-vs-eukip.com

unfashionista.com 

eureferendum.com

John Newell

I've tidied it a bit to make it a little easier on the eye but, otherwise, this is as it was posted. I've not accepted it against the original piece you linked it to, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the subject matter, but have decided to bring it to a wider audience anyway.

It seems that Mr Newell is quite keen on this idea, posting it in other places too. I only problem is that, how can I put this, Mr Newell, I don't care. I'm not a conservative in any sense other than fiscal, and don't see much credibility in your proposal.

But thank you for playing, and for providing more evidence that UKIP supporters are, to put it politely, not necessarily on the same playing field as the rest of us.

Witch swimming in Wickham Skeith

Once you get away from the River Gipping, the villages of Mid Suffolk become increasingly remote and far flung. Don't get me wrong, that remoteness is entirely relative - it isn't like the Scottish Highlands, for example - but until the advent of radio, news could take a little longer to reach them, and they were somewhat behind the curve. Indeed, it is said that it took a few days for news of the end of World War I to reach some of the more distant villages in these parts, although I suspect that is entirely apocryphal.

The rural communities hung onto their belief in superstition long after more enlightened attitudes had taken root in the towns and cities, and given that Suffolk had been in gradual decline over centuries, it comes as little surprise that some ideas held sway for rather longer.

"She's a witch... but we're out of firewood..."

Witch swimming has its roots in laws made by King Athelstan (928-930), where trial by water was a general test for all crimes. And although Henry III removed it as an official tool of the judiciary, it was considered most efficacious in identifying witches for centuries after that. The theory was that the witch would float, but was innocent if they sank - the fact that, if innocent, they might well drown apparently appears not to have set off any irony alarms.

Therefore, it perhaps doesn't come as a huge surprise to discover that the last 'official' swimming of a suspected witch took place in the mid-Suffolk village of Wickham Skeith... in 1825. Isaac Stebbings, a 67-year-old itinerant pedlar, was accused of black magic, driving two people - a thatcher's wife and a farmer - insane, and, in the presence of the village constable, was 'swum' three times in the Grimmer (the exquisitely appropriate name given to the village pond), floating on each occasion.

Stebbings demanded a retrial the following week, but before this could take place, the local clergyman and church wardens intervened. The villagers, it seems, did get their man though, as local historian, Clive Aslet, writes;

It was not quite the end of the matter, however. A local cunning man was paid three pounds to ensure that Stebbings suffered a lingering death.

It is reassuring to know that we don't treat the unfamiliar or the scapegoat in such a way any more. Character assassination on the internet is so much easier...

Things that I have learned from being a member of a gym

Now that I've been a member of a gym for three months or so - and no, that's not showing off, as I'm still a walrus - some things are becoming apparent.

Firstly, I'm really not young any more. My fellow gym users are, for the most part, in their late teens and twenties, except those who are clearly there to build vast muscles that make them look a bit like bison. Each to their own on that one, I think.

Secondly, the music they play in gyms is suited to people who go to Ibiza to dance and party. That isn't me. However, unless I invest in some serious headphones, or find a gym that plays chamber music whilst one works out, I'm just going to have to put up with that.

Next, tattoos. I don't have one, and this clearly puts me in a fairly small minority, at least within the subgroup described as male users of Klick Fitness in Ipswich. Some of them have lots - it's the sort of thing that one can't help but notice. I'm still not tempted...

And then there's what to do to keep your mind occupied whilst you work out, especially if, like me, you are attempting to burn fat and rebuild aerobic capacity, rather than look like a bison. I tend, for now, to do arithmetic calculations in my head (yes, I know...), but if anyone has any better ideas...

Finally, and much to my surprise, I'm actually beginning to enjoy it a little. Not hugely, as the temptation to opt out is still there, but a little. Perhaps, inside this walrus is a leopard seal waiting to get out?...

I wouldn't want to clean his owner's bathtub...

Having spotted this in today's Evening Standard, I thought that I ought to share...

This 54 feet high piece of art is floating in Victoria Harbour, Hong Kong, and brought a smile to my face.

Why Monty Panesar should be the next leader of the Liberal Democrats

I am led to understand that there currently isn't a vacancy for leader of our great Party. However, one should never presume that such a situation will continue forever, so I have been giving some thought as to who should replace Nick Clegg if he were to be pushed under a number 11 bus - unlikely in Creeting St Peter, I admit.

And, after some consideration, I have concluded that, assuming that he is given an entirely appropriate peerage for services to his country, Monty Panesar is the man. Yes, it would require Party rules to be changed to allow a Peer to be Party Leader, but it seems entirely reasonable.

So, why Monty?

Firstly, you need patience and persistence to be a successful Party leader, especially if it's the third-placed party. And what better than a slow left armer who is always game to bowl long spells for his team?

You also need enthusiasm, and anyone who has ever watched Monty play will testify to his visible pleasure in what he does. In Auckland, when he helped to save a test match that could easily have been lost, he was still backing up during the last three nerve-wracking deliveries, still willing to face the opposition if needed.

If there's one thing that voters claim to dislike, it is the professional politician, slick, packaged. You could never say that about Monty. He isn't the world's greatest batsman, he's not a brilliant fielder either, but he has worked hard to improve, and spectators appreciate that. And, of course, he wears a patka - you couldn't see David Cameron doing that. Best of all, if you're a proper liberal, he's got a beard.

A good nickname is a plus, and Monty has a number of them, all of which are affectionate. I think of him as 'The Montster', come to snatch an unexpected victory batting at number 11 (perhaps he can be promoted to number 10!). But the 'Sikh of Tweak' is good too.

Finally, you want a leader who is popular and likeable. And who could dislike Monty? Even when he dived early for the crease in Auckland and ended up crawling over the line, most England supporters cheered once they had opened their eyes again. When he fields well, or plays a forward defensive, people cheer and applaud. How many politicians could claim that?

So, I'll be signing nominations papers for Baron Panesar of Luton when the opportunity comes. Will you?

Oh my God, David Icke's little helper is really serious!

Yesterday, you will recall, I was somewhat bemused by a contact from a woman claiming to be acting on behalf of David Icke. When I left off, I had just discovered that there is an apparent market of people who think the same way that he, and the Liberal Democrat Voice team, think. I wasn't immediately convinced...

From:Mark Valladares [mailto:markv233[at]aol[dot]com] 

Sent: Tuesday, October 02, 2012 11:21 AM

To: Jessica Oiler
Subject: Re: Cooperation opportunities enquiry

Dear Jessica,

Having reviewed the website in question, it is unclear to me as to how, exactly, we fall within the same sector, although your client is an interesting one, of whom we are aware. I would be grateful for your comments on this point.

In addition, due to unprecedented volumes of work for our volunteer editorial board, we would prefer it if, as suggested, you supplied us with the article, including the required permanent link, and we can consider it on that basis.

Kind regards,

Mark

Had I been the recipient of this missive, I might have been a mite suspicious. However, clearly the task of promoting David Icke encourages persistence, and almost immediately, this reply arrived...

From: Jessica Oiler
To: markv233
Sent: Tue, 2 Oct 2012 9:34
Subject: RE: Cooperation opportunities enquiry
 

Hi Mark,

http://www.davidicke.com/ website is very diverse. Certainly we would be more happy if you created an article relevant to our client’s website and to yours one. The topic can be connected with politics, for example, and include the keyword: Mind Control and target url: www.davidicke.com

Kindest regards,

Jessica 

Now, I accept that Liberal Democrat Voice has its critics, but I'm not sure that we would encourage mind control, even if we thought that such a thing was possible...

I wonder where she is?

David Icke is not dead, and he wants to advertise on your website...

One of the more unexpected joys of life on the Liberal Democrat Voice team is the unsolicited e-mail. Naturally, most of them are from Liberal Democrats wanting to write for the site, or campaigning groups wanting to promote their cause and reach out to us. Indeed, some of our best, most interesting articles come to us this way.

However, there are others. Sometimes, they're from someone who demonstrates a slightly relaxed grasp on reality, sometimes they're from someone who wants to confront us with 'uncomfortable truths', i.e. contentious opinions that aren't actually facts, but mostly, they're from random strangers wanting to place articles on the website as part of a 'commercial arrangement'.

Most of these are clearly from 'article factories', churning out infomercials on behalf of their client, and many of them are from the United States, evidently confused by the "Liberal Democrat' banner - one wonders if, like baseball, they assume that it is a concept for Americans only. Occasionally, I drop them a politely worded response, with only a hint of irony, noting this, and wondering if they really want to work with us. I seldom get a response. However, there's always an exception...

From: Jessica Oiler <oiler.jessica@yahoo.com>

To: voice <voice@libdemvoice.org>

Sent: Mon, 1 Oct 2012 8:31

Subject: Cooperation opportunities enquiry

Hi

I'm working on an advertising campaign for my client and came across your site http://www.libdemvoice.org/. Your site looks great and it would work perfectly with my client's site, which is in the same sector.

Ideally we are looking for relevant sites that can write an original article based around a keyword supplied by us. However, if you would prefer us to supply an article, this won't be a problem. We just ask that 1 permanent link is placed in the body of the content and linked back to our client's site.

Please feel free to contact me if this is of interest to you or you have any questions.

Best wishes,

Jessica

An interesting e-mail, offering no clues as to who, or where, their client might be. Intrigued, I replied...

From: Mark Valladares [mailto:markv233@aol.com]

Sent: Monday, October 01, 2012 11:57 PM

To: oiler.jessica@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: Cooperation opportunities enquiry

Dear Jessica,

Thank you for your e-mail earlier today.

It is unclear from your e-mail who your client is, or how they fit neatly with us. Accordingly, we would require a lot more information before we could consider such an approach, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Mark Valladares

I wasn't expecting a reply, and so when this turned up, I felt that I should share it with you...

From: Jessica Oiler <oiler.jessica@yahoo.com>

To: <markv233@aol.com>

Sent: Tue, 2 Oct 2012 7:26

Hi Mark,

Thanks a lot for the reply!

Our client is http://www.davidicke.com/ and we would like you to create a post for him and place it in your blog.

Please, let me know if you agree or in case you have any other suggestions!

Alright, I was a bit surprised. Perhaps there is another David Icke, so I checked the link. Sure enough, it was the website of the former Hereford United goalkeeper, BBC sports presenter and contrarian.

I wonder what sector it is that includes Liberal Democrat Voice and David Icke? I don't recall any of my colleagues accusing anyone, not even Charlotte Henry, of being a giant green lizard in human disguise...

Things you might not expect to receive in the post #327...

My attention has been brought to a rather unusual parcel delivered to the headquarters of the Conservative Party of Canada.

On Monday, Canada Post arrived at their office and delivered, amongst other things, a white box with a red heart on it. Addressed simply to 'The Conservative Party of Canada', it was handed to an employee to be opened, who was somewhat alarmed to find blood inside. But that wasn't all that was found.

The police were called, and a biohazard team took the box to be x-rayed, only to discover that it appeared to contain a severed human foot, later confirmed as such by the local coroner.

Across town, at the Ottawa sorting office, another parcel, not addressed to the Conservative Party of Canada, was discovered to contain a severed human hand, although a link between the two body parts has yet to be established.

However, the Canadian authorities are on the case. The major crimes unit is handling the investigation of the foot because now "there's a body without one," as Ottawa Police Staff Sgt. Bruce Pirt told the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

Jessica will be pleased...

So, I tried this Gender Analyser thing, and it says that my blog is 83% likely to be written by a man. Empress Jessica writes a chunk of the blog, so I suppose that it's not far away from the truth...

Gorillas in the mist

Sorry about the absence of reports. I couldn't blog from Harrogate (I don't own a laptop and the computers in the conference centre didn't appear to like www.blogger.com). And so, where were we?

I went up to Harrogate on Thursday evening, and had a fairly pleasant train journey apart from the idiot who had decided to occupy my reserved seat and set up his computer. Politely noting that he was in my seat, he asked if I minded giving up my window seat so that he could use his computer. Pointing out that I did mind, having wanted a window seat, he then asked if he could trail his cables across me. I wasn't wildly keen to be used as a cable tidy but consented, not wanting to appear churlish, only to then watch as he used the wretched gadget to listen to music. Get an iPod, loser!... I drove him away eventually, though.

Friday morning was spent doing some light shopping at Gap. I like their chinos and some of their brighter coloured shirts (faceless bureaucrat does peacock), and needed a couple of extra bits of wardrobe for the weekend. Next to the Turkish Baths to get some information and then to a rather nice barber shop for a haircut, beard trim and general refurbishment before dropping off my shopping at the hotel. The weather was lovely, with bright sunshine, although it was a mite brisk.

The Turkish Baths are fascinating. I turned up, paid my £13, and was escorted to the changing rooms for a brief explanation of how it all works. Friday afternoons are gentlemen only, leading to a general lack of clothing. I'm not the most svelte person in the world, tending more to walrus than giraffe, but I've learned to be fairly relaxed about my imperfections and strolled into the wonderfully restored hot room. I was a little disconcerted by the gentleman who followed me into the steam room, though. He had enough metal piercings in his genitalia to set off metal detectors... as far away as Leeds Bradford Airport... and I'm wondering how he gets on when he travels overseas...

I spent a very pleasant two hours or so, alternating between the various rooms and the steam rooms before heading back to the hotel to mingle with the newly arriving delegates. Imagine my surprise on discovering that two inches of snow had been depositing on Harrogate whilst I was gently broiling...

I really must pay more attention... seven sevens

So oblivious to the outside world am I that I failed to notice that John Bright's Body has tagged me... but now that I have...

7 things to do before I die...

1. visit as many countries as years I have been alive (I need country number 42 by 13 November - I'm on 40)
2. learn to speak Latin American Spanish
3. get elected to the House of Lords (or its replacement, preferably)
4. feed a penguin in its natural environment
5. watch the turtles hatch and crawl down to the sea
6. bungy jump and appreciate the experience properly
7. make my peace with God (I'm Catholic, and guilty...)

7 things I cannot do

1. whistle
2. swim
3. maintain a diet and exercise regime
4. keep up with my housework
5. say no to my cats
6. enjoy ironing
7. run for either Parliament (Westminster or European) - can I have my human rights back?

7 things that attract me to London

1. the presence of my family and friends
2. the multicultural community
3. the National Liberal Club
4. the range of cultural opportunities available (I only wish that I had more time to enjoy them...)
5. riding on the top deck of a bus on a sunny day (or any other day for that matter!)
6. feeding the ducks in St James's Park
7. the number of airports I can escape through

7 things I often say

1. "I don't work for a living, I'm a civil servant..."
2. "professionally, I drink blood and eat babies..."
3. "call me old-fashioned but..."
4. "Valladares, I'll spell that for you..."
5. "Victoria, do you mind not standing in front of my computer screen?..."
6. "and now for the dead boy/live goat round" - if you're in Haringey, you might get this...
7. "Good... er... morning, Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs Westminster..."

7 books that I love

1. 2004 Wisden (featuring Sussex's only County Championship victory)
2. anything by Terry Pratchett
3. any Lonely Planet guide
4. "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" - Douglas Adams
5. "Gulag" - Anne Applebaum
6. "A Short History of Nearly Everything" - Bill Bryson
7. "The Prince" - Machiavelli

7 movies I could watch over and over again

1. "The Prisoner of Zenda"
2. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
3. "Field of Dreams" (alright, I admit, crying at the end of this one is a bit weird...)
4. "The Pelican Brief" - I'm a sucker for Julia Roberts (so sue me...)
5. "Mr Smith Goes to Washington"
6. "Sleeper"
7. an unknown winner of a Golden Rose at Montreux about the history of Norwegian broadcasting (I saw it once, have no idea what it was called, have never forgotten it - the funniest thing I ever saw)

7 people I want to join in too

1. Kim Valladares- my cousin
2. Nick Stanton - something to take his mind off running Southwark Council
3. Brian Orrell - cyberman, Regional Candidates Chair and all-round culture vulture
4. Simon Hughes
5. Chris Huhne
6. Menzies Campbell (we might learn a lot more about each of them if they took part in this...)
7. Sandra Gidley - I think that she's funny (in a good way!)

A penguin is a bureaucrat's best friend

I have to admit that I'm rather looking forward to "March of the Penguins". Having been to visit penguins in New Zealand (fairy and yellow-eyed), and being the sort of person who loves to watch them in zoos, the idea that a movie about them could become a hit is perfectly understandable.

Of course, the idea that they all look the same is obviously attractive to a bureaucrat (it's difficult to assign blame when you can't tell which is which!) but I would really enjoy spending quality time with them.

Troublingly, it appears that some people can't even watch a documentary without assigning their rather narrow-minded philosophy to it. The film apparently "promotes monogamy" and is "an affirmation of Christian values". Funnily enough, penguins aren't Christian and I've never seen any at the Catholic masses that I've attended (of course, they could all be Protestant... and, now I think about it, some of the nuns that I've met...). And as for monogamy, how could anyone tell? There are thousands of them, and they all look the same. How could anyone tell if one or two of them sneak off for some illicit non-monogamous sex?

It's just a movie! They're just penguins! They don't have a moral code, or at least, if they do, they aren't about to tell us what it is. At least they don't make reality programmes like "I'm a penguin, get me out of here!". I take it back, they clearly do have a superior moral code...

A mystery sketch

Gentle reader, I have a mystery for someone out there to solve. I know that it's a bit of a long shot, but my younger brother suggested that I put it on the blog on the basis that "you never know". So, does anyone recall who wrote this...

(Mark and Rachelle sit at the breakfast table. Mark is reading the paper. There is a knock at the door. Rachelle goes to answer. Returns with armful of post.)

Mark: (from behind paper) Who was that dear?

Rachelle: Just the postman.

Mark: (in a bored tone) Much post then?

Rachelle: No, much less than usual. (she starts looking through pile of post) Look, here's a letter from Jacques Delors. The Environmental Commission have rejected our plans for a new living room carpet.

Mark: Oh, really?

Rachelle: Yes. They consider it environmentally harmful. It doesn't match the curtains.

Mark: (bored) Oh dear. I warned you not to employ Dan Press as an interior decorator.

Rachelle: And here's another one. Let me see... "Under the terms of Commission Directive 34.2 (iv) of 1990, it has been held that your wallpaper exceeds the guidelines laid down by the Council of Ministers for bad taste, and must be replaced within thirty days."

Mark: Well, we'd better do something about it then. Who do you suggest we call for assistance?

Rachelle: Well, there was that nice architect we met in the wine bar the other evening.

Mark: Oh yes, I remember. But didn't he design Lelystad? Might that not still be a little too adventurous?

Rachelle: Maybe you're right. Still, there's always Madeleine Sjostedt.

Mark: Yes, no one could ever accuse her of having bad taste.

Well I think that it's funny, although there are a number of in-jokes and dated cultural references. Would the author(s) please come forward?