What happened to the Communist Party of Great Britain's millions? Stop me and ask...

It would appear that my guilty past has caught up with me, in that I am a fellow traveller with the Communists.

Yes, you read correctly. For years now, I have been part of a secret team responsible for the management and direction of the resources of the former Communist Party of Great Britain, in the hope that one day, a Stalinist regime will come to power, and this country will become a beacon for wistful Communists everywhere. Naturally, as a bureaucrat, I'm not responsible for the delivery of the political element of our programme for power, but I'm sure that those who are are doing the best that they can.

And now, we have been exposed by the BBC. Again. Actually, it hasn't been a secret for rather a long time, in that a minor amount of research will uncover the truth for anyone that can be bothered.

Somewhat unexpectedly, it turns out that the Communist Party of Great Britain held a property portfolio (well, you have to have a headquarters) and, when it gave up the ghost after the fall of the Soviet Union, the members decided to transfer the assets to an organisation called 'Democratic Left', which was a leftist campaigning group. Unfortunately, its membership gradually faded away until the point where the remaining members decided to reform the organisation as a campaigning thinktank for democratic reform. This became the New Politics Network and, some time later, I joined it.

By then, it wasn't very communist - if it had, I'd have been the victim of a short, relatively bloody, show trial - and I became a bit more active. But to cut a long story short, the organisation eventually merged with Charter '88 to become 'Unlock Democracy', an organisation of which I am a Management Board member, and through that, a director of Rodell Properties Ltd, the holding company for the property portfolio.

So, there you have it, I admit, I control the 'Moscow Gold'. Except, of course, there isn't any, for as my fellow director points out, that was spent long ago. And, indeed, I'm standing down as a director very shortly, with my replacement being elected from the membership of 'Unlock Democracy'. I'm not expecting to be removed from photographs, nor am I expecting candidates to be killed with ice-picks.

It's just not like it was in the old days...