Thoughts from the Train: What if Deutsche Bahn rang my local rail franchise?

Liberal Bureaucracy has received, in a brown paper package, a copy of a document purported to have been sent to Lord Adonis, the Secretary of State for Transport, following his announcement that National Express will have their current franchise for East Anglia truncated so that it ends in 2011. The covering letter is signed by the Chief Executive Officer of Deutsche Bahn.

Having read through it, here are the key proposals;

Frequency

Trains will run at least hourly on all routes. We have ways of making them run on time.

New services and special arrangements

It is our intention to run more services to Stansted Airport and to Harwich from across the Region, with the intention of making it easier for East Anglians to travel to European cultural centres such as Berlin, Munich and Heidelberg, and for central Europeans to travel to important towns such as Stowmarket. We see particular potential in running special services for those seeking to make pilgrimages to worship before Dalai Russell in Colchester.

Catering

We intend to reinstate the restaurant car, where the finest local food will be served, alongside a range of German beers and wines, as well as classic bierkeller snacks such as pretzels and weisswurst, all served by staff wearing traditional outfits.


Entertainment

Naturally, we will introduce an accordian player on mainline services to provide an opportunity for passengers to sing traditional drinking songs as they return after following Colchester United, Ipswich Town and Norwich City to away games. Whilst we understand concerns about drunken and unruly fans, we are confident that, by providing them with good German lager, brewed according to the ancient laws that still control beer production in Germany, they will be happy to behave positively.

The Future

Naturally, we expect to seek an anschluss with the franchise covering services from Fenchurch Street, and will look to seeking to extend operations across Cambridgeshire to Lincolnshire, Hertfordshire and Bedfordshire in due course.


Well, I don't know about you, but I'd sign up to that...