Jennie Rigg, James Graham, Lembit Opik and Chandila Fernando in kinky sex quadrilateral!*

Yes, you heard it here first. In a desperate search for readership, the use of ever more extreme headlines in a frantic attempt to catch the eye has led to allegations of caffeine-based beverage abuse, the use of segways and talk of rebranding.

Liberal Democrat apparatchik, Mark Valladares, aged 134, was quoted as saying, "I don't know what's chuffing going on. When I was a lad, we didn't have any of this Interweb malarky. We had to entertain ourselves by invading small countries, or sending gunboats out to enforce exclusive trade agreements."

* With apologies to all four, but if you're just going to be silly...